herr, please atulah!!!

gue pusing, 

duit beasiswa awal semester ini belum masuk rekening,hohoho...

jualan tempe lagi deh, hahahaha anak mahasiswa *sigh

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sunshine, shine on me

i am tired, leave me alone.

i am tired of being everybody's ears

i am tired of being someone to lean on

i am tired standing on my own feet

let me have my time

so leave me alone, 

i just need my sunshine

nobody else

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tak mau berbagi

bisakah aku memilikimu untuk diriku saja?

mencintaimu bukan seperti ini, seharusnya aku menyimpanmu di dalam kamar

dan menyapamu ketika aku pulang.

kamu jangan kemana-mana. 

sungguh.

hey, tahukah kamu? aku tidak mungkin kehabisan waktu buatmu

selalu ada kesempatan yang  kuciptakan untuk bertemu

aku sibuk? itu bohong.

hanyalah alasan menutupi rasa kecewa

karena aku tak bisa berbagi dengan yang lain.

aku tak mau 

kalau itu kamu.

weimar.161009

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let us stay

i love him...

*where are you, sunshine????*

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syarat pertama yang mau jadi pacar gue adalah...

satu, dia harus sayang sama gue

dua, dia harus sayang sama gue

tiga, dia harus sayang sama gue

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dreaming while jogging

i knew God was nice to me (and always been) when i had jogging this morning as my habitually exercise on the weekend. in that precious time, i was be able to felt that my mind and body slowly became light, calm and clear. as well as my feelings. 

feelings play a important part in directing all of my thoughts and actions ( if i had bad feeling, that could be ruin my mood). for me, i have a river of feelings, in which every drop of water is a different feeling, and each feeling relies on all the others for its existence. to observe it, i just sit on the bank of my river and identify each feeling as it surfaces, flows by, and disappears.

in jogging , i got my pleasant "breathing time" and just observe it, identifying it silently to my self. i had the glimpse about me and my lover (and our future dream about family). we were siting together on a cozy couch with one cute little girl felt content seeing her "parent" delighted by her side. there're pizza and popcorn ( i though i was too lazy to cook) and a TV cartoon for a little girl. it was just like on the end of sunday evening, when outside ambience was pretty gloomy and dreary but inside, we face that unpleasant feelings with care, affection and peace.

i can felt it :) and transformed them into the kind of energy that is healthy and has the capacity to nourish me. because my feeling is not separate from me or caused merely by something outside me. my feeling is mine, and for the moment i am that feeling. i am neither drowned in nor terrorized by the feeling, nor do i reject it. i just let it go. 

jogging or walking not just a tool to keep my self healthy or just to burn calories. that's my quality time to nurturing my mind (instead of praying) and God is nice to me.

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breathe! we are alive

i can't deny, its been almost a year since i left Indonesia. and i live this moment to cultivate my dreams, watch them growing yet weakening due to my inner strength. how essential is planning for the future yet remembering that i'm alive in the present moment--because human can be very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. so i try to seek the balance. 

back to the couple months ago when i was worrying about internship-- since i had no clue regarding to working permit and stuffs-- i was so hurry to lived 24 hours per day and slightly became a goal orientated person that made me forget to enjoy the route.

the person who got frustrated when the things she's done seemed aimless. then, often i told my self, "don't just sit there, do something!" but now i discover that the opposite may be more helpful,"don't just do something, sit here!". maybe i must learn to stop from time to time in order to see clearly. the idea is, "stopping" may look like kinda of resistance of modern life, but it is not. i figured it out that it is not just a reaction; it is a way of life. humankind's survival depends on the ability to stop rushing. we have more than 50.000 nuclear bombs, and yet cannot stop making more. "stopping" is not only to stop the negative, but to allow positive healing to take place.

this idea also allows me think effectively. most of my time, i think too much --there are thousands thoughts spread sporadically in my head-- the idea of "stop" in order to take a "breath" helps me stop thinking so much and stop being possessed by sorrows of the past and worries about the future. i do believe, thinking is important, but quite a lot of our thinking is useless (hahahahaha). it is as if, in our head, each of us has a cassette tape that always running, day and night. we think of this and we think of that, and it is difficult (almost impossible) to stop. with a cassette we can just press the stop button but there's no stop button with our thoughts. 

the past is gone, the future is on my reach. but firstly, i have to go back to myself --as being conscious alive-- in this present moment to be in touch with life. 

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