ada apa gerangan

di blog ini, satu tahun saya skip seperti bagian film yang sengaja dilewat untuk ditonton, mungkin karena membosankan-statis, atau karena terlalu intense-padat merapat. tapi yang terjadi adalah si penonton sibuk untuk membenahi si movie player, bukan karena filmnya. 

sejak awal tahun lalu, mengetahui bahwa menulis saja tidak cukup, saya putuskan untuk hiatus dulu. bahkan dari social networking semacam facebook. yang sekarang saya pikir ada gunanya juga. melepaskan diri dari "ikatan" seperti itu dan dari rasa ingin tahu urusan orang (atau dari orang lain yang ingin tahu urusan saya). 

resumenya: setelah mengalami depresi pasca master study, saya memilih untuk tidak langsung pulang ke indonesia-melainkan melanjutkan studi (yang ga ada juntrungannya) Phd di tempat saya kuliah master. lalu setelah itu hidup saya seperti di fast-forward. 

ketemu si calon. lucu karena saya tidak pernah menyangka, apalagi pada awalnya saya prejudis sama dia. kekonservatifan saya timbul mengetahui bahwa dia datang dari latar belakang budaya yang berbeda. tapi bukankah semua orang memang berbeda? dan mampu menerima perbedaan itu bikin saya lebih ringan, tidak memaksakan dan menuntut. 

menikah. yang selalu saya pikir akan saya lakukan setelah beres studi, menjelang usia 28an. namun saya ingat ada yang menyarankan saya untuk membuka diri, karena who knows- lightning could strikes. dan tentu saja niat saya menikah jadi sumber drama keluarga besar. karena si doi bule dan mualaf, buat keluarga besar itu adalah rumusan yang diluar buku perhitungan mereka. namun karena dia adalah si "ini dia", saya tetap berkeyakinan. 

hanya ibu saya yang pada awalnya membesarkan hati, itupun setelah jujur besar-besaran pada beliau kalau saya ingin punya teman hidup. yang selalu beliau tahu (atau imaje saya dikepala beliau) saya selalu melulu pada ambisi mengejar cita-cita. 

saya bilang, mengejar cita-cita buat saya akan non sense tanpa teman berbagi. saya ingin berbagi dan deeply in love disaat yang bersamaan. 

pulang ke indonesia yang pada kenyataannya saya pakai buat penelitian daripada bulanmadu. berhubung mepet timeline penelitian. 

sibuk transisi 1. pindah ke kampung halaman suami di Polandia, yang artinya memindahkan segala tetek bengek di Jerman secara fisik dan emosional ke Polandia. sebelum pindahan, saya mesti mencari siapa yang akan menyewa kamar apartemen di Weimar (karena kontrak apartemen berlaku sampai 2014, dan visa studi saya berkaitan erat dengan itu). dan kami mesti mempersiapkan tempat tinggal baru di Polandia dengan prediksi mobilisasi akan tetap dilakukan Jerman-Polandia dalam rangka studi. emosional karena perpindahan ini lagi-lagi membutuhkan energi positif yang luar biasa banyak. saya mesti punya keyakinan bahwa dalam transisi ini hanya akan membawa kebaikan bagi saya dan suami. dan menjaga good mood itu ga kaya makan makanan enak. 

positif. kami mendapati bahwa saya akan menjadi ibu dan suami akan menjadi ayah. 

...

itu tahun lalu. 

:)

homunculus

so i choose the absolute. and what is the absolute? it is i myself in my external validity. anything else of myself i never can choose as the absolute, what if i choose something else, i choose it as a finite thing and so do not choose it absolutely, but what, then is this self of mine? is it freedom?

 

consciousness of freedom consists in the fact that the individual comprehends himself as a person that he sees himself in his distinct existence as inherently universal, as capable of abstraction form and renunciation of everything particular, and therefore as inherently infinite. 

tunggu, hingga waktuku datang padamu

Tanah airku tidak kulupakan
Kan terkenang selama hidupku
Biarpun saya pergi jauh
Tidak kan hilang dari kalbu
Tanahku yang kucintai
Engkau kuhargai

Walaupun banyak negri kujalani
Yang masyur permai dikata orang
Tetapi kampung dan rumahku
Di sanalah kurasa senang
Tanahku tak kulupakan
Engkau kubanggakan

A man is intrigued and challenged by a woman who is an interesting person in her own right, whose personality has enough depth to provide that essential ingredient for any successful relationship between men and women

--the masculine need for meaningful conquest. 

a note

as for me, i have not been the unfortunate messenger of a thought stronger than i, nor its plaything, nor its victim, because that thought, if it has conquered me, has only conquered through me, and in the end has always been equal to me.

i have loved it and i have loved only it, and everything that happened i wanted to happen, and having had regard only for it, wherever it was or wherever i might have been, in absence, in sorrow, in the inevitability of dead things, in the necessity of living things, in the fatigue of work in the faces born of curiosity, in my false words, in my deceitful vows, in silence and in the night, i gave it all my strength and it gave me all its strength, so that this strength is too great, it is incapable of being ruined by anything, and condemns us, perhaps, to immeasurable unhappiness, but if that is so, i take this unhappiness on my self and i am immeasurably glad of it and to that thought i say eternally, "Come," and eternally it is there: "..."

a game

don't wait. chase me.
thats why i ran.

which memory for which identity?

The sick of longing for being at “home”—homesickness, isn’t necessarily about home and neither is it exactly an illness, instead, it stems from our natural need of love, protection and security—a feelings and qualities usually associated with home, not literally just missing your house, but missing what’s normal, what is routine, the larger sense of social space, because those are the things that help us survive.

The common perception of home is where we belong, territorially, existentially and culturally, where our own community is, where our family and loved one reside, where we can identify our roots, and where we long to return to when we are elsewhere in the world.
In this sense, belonging is a notion filled with romantic images; it is a foundational. In the sense that it circumscribes feelings of “home ness” (as well as homesickness), it is also a significant determinant of identity, that elusive but still real psycho sociological state of being in relate with oneself under given external conditions. Most importantly, “home” and “belonging” are affectively a defined concept, the indicative “home is where we belong” really means, “home is where we feel we belong.”

People may find themselves living and breathing in their own home, their privileged community space, with people of “their own kind”, in more or less pronounced “ethnic purity”. But they may also find themselves elsewhere; in which case be-longing more often than not turns into a question of longing-to-be at home.

This fact of being on somewhere else far away from Nusantara, spending the most precious time of re-humanizing my self through the so-called “holiday” in this Baltic sea’s town side, reminds me to some partial scenes of mental condition from my rooted community that has produced images and memories, which often quite out of touch with contemporary realities of those authentic roots.

How could be a place you have never physically been to, but when you get there you just know this is where you belong? It is a place that your heart and your blood feel connected to.

I began to realize that people, despite of their nationalities, also may feel they have several belongings, several places and cultures they belong to and that determine their identity as multiple, nested, situational or fluid. The features of a culture that produce this sense of closeness and well-being are within its folkways, its sounds and smells of traffic congestions, its consumerism behavior and worship towards automobiles, its viciousness into space occupations, its corner of the town hall’s square, the innumerable subtle and ways of life we grow up with—it makes the cultural belonging is very important, perhaps because it is basically so very simple: we feel we belong to our culture, because it constitutes a home of natural embeddedness and unthinking attachment, “familiarity”—familiar surroundings, close knit localities, or the intimacy of personal relationships.